When I first started my content journey, I thought I could take the faceless route. (Yes, that meant using AI. Cringe).
Just the thought of being on camera made me so anxious I wanted to hide. I believed in my soul that I could never and would never do it. I wasn't the type of person made for content creation.
click here for my short step-by-step guide to starting out on camera (it’s free!) ✨
I had a hundred excuses for why I couldn’t; I’m too ugly, people will laugh at me, my life is too boring, and the list goes on.
Five months of faceless AI content went by and I made no progress, no money, and no followers. Then reality hit me:
“If I don’t believe in myself, why should anyone else?”
This was never going to work because I was hiding. Nobody wants to follow me, talk to me, and definitely not buy from me. I don’t blame them. My whole identity was fake.
It took a lot of failures and time wasted for my brain to finally understand that nothing was going to change for me if I didn't change!
Deciding to grow as a person and conquer this fear of being seen didn't mean I suddenly jumped out of bed and pressed record with ease.
The thought of actually going for it was extremely uncomfortable. Obviously it was a lot easier to just give up and do nothing and blame the algorithm for my failure.
But one thing I know is that I'm not the type of person to forget about my dreams. If this is the path that could to lead me there, I can't give up.
As I write this, it has been 140 days since I started really showing up online, but that doesn't mean I was on camera immediately. I started by doing voiceovers.
The only problem was that I hated hearing my voice so much, but this felt like a safer starting point than jumping straight into being visible. I fully believe that if I did not give myself permission to take this tiny first step, I would not have gotten very far due to how bad my anxiety was around this situation.
After doing three voiceovers that made me want to never touch my phone again, I went to ask my husband for honest opinions. knowing it might hurt a lot.
I was shocked by his approval, telling me they were well spoken, and that he was impressed. His positive response made me think that maybe I had a sort of messed up view of myself because of lifelong insecurities, and that maybe I was capable of this.
I found enough confidence to start posting these voiceovers on my instagram, (the instagram where I blocked every friend and family member I know in real life.) I wanted to see what kind of reactions I would get, while fully bracing myself for comments like,
“Shut up, your voice is horrible, why are you even doing this? Get a job.”
To my surprise once again, I received zero hate comments after posting the voiceovers. I started getting likes and comments from people supporting me, telling me that what I was doing inspired them. That I was brave for facing this fear. That my voice was nice and calming.
I was blown away. The positive responses made me want to keep going. I realized that the fear that was once blocking me was so stupid and pointless. All based on lies I kept telling myself. And to think it kept me from even starting. Now I can learn from this fear and use it to help other people who are dealing with the same thing. That was my new motivation.
Hands shaking, I got my tripod and headed to my car. As much as I was determined to do this, I was not doing it in the house where my husband and cats could see me.
I had an idea of what to say so I hit the record button, but of course my mind instantly went blank. I tried talking anyways, but I messed up my words. I could hardly form a normal sentence.
So I stopped recording.
I hit record again.
My voice went higher and I was out of breath because my heart was racing as if I was being chased by a bear. I started getting tears in my eyes and couldn't look at the camera at all.
I fully started crying.
I felt so unsafe. So embarrassed. Nobody could even see me yet I felt I was being judged. I felt too loud even though nobody could hear me. I sat there feeling very defeated. Very emotional. Completely drained and thinking, “see? I can't do this”.
I decided to go back inside. I watched the little clips I had recorded over and over until I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was just some scared human, trying to speak. I deleted the videos so nobody could ever see them.
The next day I felt a bit more energy to try again. So I did, but this time it didn't feel so scary. That was because this wasn't my first try anymore. I did it yesterday, and I didn't die from it, even though my body reacted like I was going to.
As I talked, this time I started feeling like a fraud. I was sure that as confident as I could manage to act, everyone would still be able to tell that I was new at this and that I hated every second of it. My discomfort was probably very noticable.
Fast forward to two few weeks ago when a very sweet girl with a mail club asked if she could audit my profile and I gladly accepted. She said I looked very natural on camera.
I don't know if all these compliments and approvals were boosting my ego, or just giving me the audacity to keep trying. Maybe a bit of both. But it's a lot better to be here than where I was 140 days ago.
After my second attempt at recording, I took a few days of rest in between, and tried a third time. They were messy, but this time I had some videos I felt I was able to cut together and potentially post.
I kept doing this until it no longer felt like something that was going to kill me.
Despite all my progress, I still can't form sentences on camera to save my life. I need a script because my mind still goes blank. I like to blame it on my autism as a joke, but I know it's simply a work in progress.
I think one of the best things about my progress is that I no longer have to overthink before I bring the camera out. I just do it. Mostly because my brain now understands that I survived all those times I tried, and that whatever I record doesn't have to be posted.
This progress has come from actually trying consistently for 2 months despite being intensely uncomfortable. From feeling the feelings. From listening to my brain say "you are ugly and people will hate you" but choosing to ignore it.
I already have proof that the majority of the audience I’ve built doesn’t hate me at all, they support me. They actually struggle with the same thing. What I’m doing is actually helping other people.
Even though I dont know who I am 100% yet, I am self-aware enough to know when I’m acting now and then I can stop and think, “how would I actually say this?”, and to take tiny steps towards my authenticity.
I have to ask myself often, “am i saying this just because i want to be accepted or do i really believe this?"
After 28 years of undiagnosed autism, unmasking and finding my personality again isn't easy. So this is a huge achievement for me. I have to show myself over time that it is safe to express myself and I no longer have to hide who I am.
I genuinely believe that anyone who is also struggling with the idea of being on camera, can get past it like I did. I did not think it was possible for me, autistic, scared, crying, no self confidence whatsoever.
This is your sign to try. If you have people in your life who don't support you or will make you feel silly for trying, just cut them off. Block them. It’s not worth it to stay stuck in the same place forever just because someone else has chosen to stay stuck.
Be creative. Face your fears. Live authentically.
💜
If you struggle with being seen too, you can become a little more confident right away! I wrote down the steps I used to get where I am today, grab my free mini guide below.
